The Noisy girls of Backstreet Noise like to, well, raise a little noise now and then.
Since we love to write, we'll be rotating the pieces in this section.
So you may get something new, or you may get an old favorite.
You never know.
Because we're crazy--er, Noisy like that.
Don't know the names below? Visit the This Is US page for our bios.
Noisy Girls
Dianne
So now that we've moved and have more fans then ever, (no seriously, I can barely leave my house without being mobbed, anyone have some sunglasses and large hat I can borrrow??) I thought it would be a good idea to formally introduce a very good friend of mine.
His name is Tumby and he is a tumbleweed. He's the official BNP pet/mascot/answering machine and he will not hesitate to poke you with one of his very pointy sticks.
Many of you may have seen or heard about Tumby if you've happened to stop by our LD thread, but I do not believe very many people know Tumby's whole story.
And so I give you, the BNP True Hollywood Story: Tumby the Tumbleweed.
It all began one fateful day when Dizzle (that's me!!) was lonely in the LD thread. Now before all you Dizzle fans go attacking the other noisey girls, it's not their fault! In case you havent' noticed yet, Dizzle can be a little ... slow sometimes. She mostly blames the blonde hair dye, the years of binge drinking, and of course, Nick Carter.
Nevertheless, Dizzle failed to catch on to the noisy IMing and was trying to have chats in the thread, which was quite difficult when she was the only one there. And just when Dizzle thought she would have to resort to talking to herself, a tumbleweed rolled by. The tumbleweed offered to listen to Dizzle's ramblings and even volunteered to pass along a message to the other noisey girls.
She was, of course, skeptical at first, but when the other noisey girls recieved her messages, Dizzle knew what she had to do. She finally caught on to the IMing and introduced the tumbleweed to the group. The noisey girls proceeded to give the tumbleweed the pet name "Tumby", and the rest they say, is history. Tumby has been with the noisey girls and BNP ever since, and while he has gone through many adventures he dosn't regret it for a moment.
Today Tumby mostly hangs out in the LD thread, taking messages, poking people, recieving makeovers from Sam, hiding from B's humping, running from V's violence, and just generally keeping us all company.
What's next for Tumby? Well, Tumby's main goal for 2010 is to finally make it to a BSB concert, but really, the sky is the limit so make sure you keep an eye on the Noise! And don't forget, when things seem too quiet on the BNP front, Tumby is always there!
Lady V
So I was in a thread on LD discussing BSB's lack of promo and this came to mind:
(Special mention goes to nashieb of LD who laughs at our site at work which annoys the customers just as well you are the manager :p ) Also thanks to Noisy Girls Sam (Sizzle) and Dianne (Dizzle) for their contribution on MSN
Backstreet boy headlines you are never going to see and the sensational stories behind them.
LARGER THAN LIFE BIGGER THAN JESUS
Brian Littrell claims to be the new messiah; he was taken to a facility for the mentally insane yesterday after attempting to walk on water, turn water into wine and trying to force feed fish to a homeless man.
NICK CARTERS INTERNATIONAL LUV
Nick Carter has abandoned his laptop and blackberry and moved away to live with Shawty in a hut Outer-Mongolia. Its all in a bid to escape from modern technology he has no cable and not even a radio. An insider suggests Shawty's not impressed there will be no more VIP.
BLACK AND BLUE
Howie Dorough was arrested today on suspicion of assaulting band mate Nick Carter. The fight reportedly started on an aeroplane during a 12 hour flight. Carter had been observed kicking the back of Dorough's seat for 3 hours whilst on his cell phone. Reports suggest Nick is being treated for internal injuries after Howie assaulted him with his Blackberry, a close friend of the boys who we caught up with outside the hospital said Something keeps ringing but we cant work out where its coming from.
B-ROCKER!
Brian declares his admiration for Marilyn Manson and announced today he is leaving the Backstreet Boys to start his own emo/heavy metal punk rock band dedicated to the Anti-Christ.
HELPLESS WHEN SHE SMILES
Nick Carter reveals his secret affair with Susan Boyle. Including his new tattoo of Susans face, sexy text messages and why Simon Cowell is "just jealous!"
"INCOMPLETE HAIRLINE
AJ discusses his receding hairline and his plans to be endorse Rogaine.
THIS IS US
Brian, Howie and AJ come out in gay love-triangle shocker Nick is confused
ONLY ONE WIFE? I WANT MORE THAN THAT
Brian Littrell sensationally reveals why he is now a Mormon
SOLDIER DOWN
In a bid to toughen himself up a bit Backstreet boy Howie Dorough has joined the US Army. Apparently he said he always liked the film GI Jane.
NOT EXACTLY BIGGER
In a desperate bid to let everyone know about their latest album This is us the Backstreet boys stood outside a record store In New York this evening selling albums, in freezing temperatures, for five hours, NAKED. Apparently they sold a shit-load of albums. Reports of Howie shouting STOP laughing! I told you! Little D shrinks in the cold, that Nick Carter has been taken to hospital with hypothermia and Brian has frostbite are unconfirmed. However, we can confirm that AJ has been arrested, because police released this statement he looks like trouble.
I WANT IT THAT WAY WITH HER
Howie D in sex party/wife swapping shocker!
JIZZLE SHIZZLE SHOCKER!
AJ Mclean sensationally reveals his plans to devote his life to Buddhism by taking a vow of celibacy and becoming a monk.
THE CALL
Kevin Richardson reveals he is has used his role on Broadway as a front so that he can be an upmarket escort, he is also a sex line operator.
SWEET DS SWEET TOOTH
Howie abandons his healthy life style and the gym by going on a massive week long food and dessert binge. He visited fast food favourites including McDonalds, Wendys, Taco bell (obviously!), Pizza Hut and Burger King. He now weighs over 300 pounds.
ILL NEVER BREAK YOUR HEART
Brian and Nick break thousands of fans hearts by confirming that Brian's marriage has been a cover up and they have been in an intimate relationship for over 10 years.
WE HAD IT GOING ON
Kevin reveals his brief affair with Oprah Winfrey started after AJ and they guys appeared on her show Shes just so inspirational he coos.
GET DOWN FROM THAT POLE
Nick Carter revealed as a pole dancer called Naughty Nicola at a gay bar every weekend see the shocking pictures of him dressed as a woman!
AS LOOOOOONG AS YOU LOVE ME
Howie from the Backstreet boys is soon to publish a new book on tantric sex and will be doing his first book signing in LA.
"QUIT PLAYING GAMES LET'S PARTY
Brian Littrell in drunken parting until 5AM shocker with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton"
SHE'S A DREAM
AJ Mclean admits he is actually a virgin and all his girlfriends and conquests have just been a figment of his over active imagination, reports of the tendons in his right wrist being damaged during this time are unconfirmed.
"THIS IS NOT HOWIE DO IT
Howie from the backstreet boys has a sensational public breakdown in the frozen section while visiting Wal-Mart
Kel
There's about to be a what?
Girlfight!
McKelly's Guide to Fan-Handling: Part One
manhandle
vb (tr)
1. to handle or push (someone) about roughly
2. to move or do by manpower rather than by machinery
fanhandle
1. to manhandle or push (a crazed Backstreet Boys fan) out of your way
2. to use manipulating mind tactics to out-psych the crazies
It's finally here! TIU Opening Day! This is bigger than the start of baseball season for us.
The following list includes the worst case scenarios that may require fanhandling. These are situations that all Backstreet Boys fans would like to avoid.
Fans that have become accustomed to having front row seats. This scenario can sometimes be the most lethal due to space constrictions.
We all know how crowded it gets the closer you are to the stage. It is very important to pay attention to their attire. They may be wearing spiked Louboutins, over-sized hats to distract you, or carrying humungous purses/bags/satchels to stash odd forms of weaponry. You just don't know what they might bring to the game. But you do know this: they want your f**king spot. And these bitches will stop at nothing to get it.
The most important thing you can do in this instance is stand your ground. If you brought your BSB posse, nows the time to link arms, build that wall (I like to call it the Great Wall of Kaos) and throw out your best mean mug stare. Give them the stink eye they deserve. But whatever you do, do NOT lose your temper. This will only provoke them and the next thing you know youve got a Louboutin stiletto stabbing your flip flop covered toe, you've been bagged with an over-sized (and ugly) hat, and have been shanked in the arm with a nail file. Again, these bitches should not be tested.
And if all else fails, now would be the time to whip up that big ass "I Love BSB" (in my case, "Hip-Thrusting Is Sexy") poster so they can't see a damn thing.
Fans defending a known BSB spotting location. This situation can be tricky. You just arrived in the known city for an event. Your plane has landed and you power up your PDA (Personal Digital Assistant, not the other kind--although I'm sure that's rarin' to go as well should you somehow get trapped in an elevator with your favorite boy). First order of business?
Check LD. Someone's already seen them and surely has posted a location. DING DING DING! Jackpot. You and your girls hail a cab to the suspected address and as the cabbie slowly creeps up around the barrage of apparent street hustlers, one thought crosses your mind: f**k. Never doubt the Backstreet CIA. They are everywhere! Hundreds of them! There is no way in hell you are going to meet the boys when you are standing at the backend of a group that is 50 people deep.
This is where the mind games come in. I like to make nice with the girl standing next to me. I usually seek out the one chick I know I would never get along with so I dont feel so guilty in the end. Also, she needs to be tall and have an athletic build. Now, start chatting her up, make jokes, find out her favorite boy, share stories, etc. Then time to make your move. Subtly mention how much you wish you could be at the front and that the two of you should conjure up a plan to get theretogether. *evil cackle*
Now, I would recommend that she initiate a bulldoze push and I will follow behind her closely. This is why it's important to seek out an Amazon woman. After all, her size is intimidating and once the bulldoze goes into effect, it's really hard to break it down, especially if there is determination involved. You can choose your own ruse, if you wish. She takes a deep breath and lunges forward. Now that every single girl has whipped out their pitchfork and all the attention is on her, there is bound to be a gap in this over-zealous crowd or at the very least a weak link. You just need to find it so keep your mind sharp that day. Since no one will be paying attention to you, simply find that spot, slip on in and you are home free and at the front of the group just as the BSB walk out that door. You have successfully made everyone else look crazy and you remain the innocent bystander.
*NOTE: This course of action will only be effective if you know that the BSB are inside of the building. If you expect them to be arriving, it's best to just stay put.
Predatory fans. This is the scenario that makes you realize that this shit just got real. This a no-holds-barred circumstance and anything goes. This can typically occur at any event that is General Admission and without any warning.
Unlike the fans that are used to being in the front row, these bitches will hunt you and cut you. Once those doors open, it becomes a free for all. And you're runnin'. Sprinting faster than Jackie Joyner Kersee in the 1988 Summer Olympics. Target destination? Front and center. You know they'll be able to see your cleavage from there! You just spent 14 hours and 23 minutes standing in the freezing rain in high heels and a mini skirt. This marathon is nothing in comparison. Then out of nowhere *WHACK!!!!* Purse to the head. Elbow to the side. Oh no she din't! You didn't spend the last 6 months training so some crazy ho could beat you. Take a deep breath and turn on Terminator vision: spotted.
Before you know it, you've reached out and wrapped your claws around a thick chunk of her bleach blonde hair. With one quick yank, she is down for the count. But oh no! Her BFF just spotted you and with one swift foot reach, her leg is out in front of you. You hurdle! Hot damn! Who the hell knew you could hurdle?! Alright, and your still goin. Bloods rushin, adrenaline is pumping, oh shit! Another foot! You leap, slow motion begins, you reach your arms out in front of you as you leap through the air, you dive, tuck and roll! As you roll back into a standing position you take a quick glance at all the fans behind you. The growling and ravenous noises are echoing through the air. There are girls dangling from balconies and lighting fixtures. All of them are ready to pounce. All I can say at this point, ladies, is do NOT be afraid to throw a punch, make use of that headlock youve been practicing, you go on and pull her hair (if its a wig or a weave? Even better!). Pepper spray has never been handier, heels and boots are highly effective on the shins, and upper cuts will knock the wind out of them. Whatever you do, just don't stop until youve reached your cleavage-baring destination!
Jen
I know it's a dream for thousands...and it happened to me. It happened early one chilly morning, August 14, 2007, to be precise.
One Nickolas Gene Carter was at a radio station with Howie, doing an Unbreakable interview.
Now mind you, not very many things in this life can turn me instantly into a 12 year old pre-puberty teenie like just the sight of Nick can do. But yes, there I was, all alone, and seen him walking down the stairs.
At this point I became aware of the little voice ringing in my head. There he is!! it said to me. I think I even answered, aloud, with I know!!. If anyone gave me weird look, I wouldn't have had a clue...after all, Nick Freakin' CARTER was like 20 feet away from me at this point..does anything around you but him really exist when this happens? No? I didn't think so.
But anyways, he comes out of the building and every girl there, about 20-25 of us, rush the poor man.
Poor Howie gets NO love...I still love you tho Howie!!
Ok..off track again, but anyways, I calmly wait my turn and its finally arrived. I ask him to sign my comic book..he does...I stood there just gawkin' at the beauty of the man when I finally found my voice again I had asked for a hug.
The answer was like music to my ears..."Sure sweetie," he says to me.
Fine Nick, KILL me before I get the damn hug from you..I think to myself. It was then the other voice inside my head really awakened...
Evil Jen: OOOOOO will ya just LOOK at that hottie!!
Good Jen: Yes, he's very handsome indeed!
Evil Jen: See what I did for you? I got you to ask for a hug! And here it comes!
Good Jen: I knowwww! Omg! What do I do? What do I doooo??
Evil Jen: Reach back and pinch his ass!!
Good Jen: No!! I could NEVER do that!
Evil Jen: You are SUCH a goodie goodie two shoes!
Good Jen: Shut UP you! OMG! Hes hugging me!!!!
Evil Jen: NOW!! NOW!! Pinch the ass! Pinch the ass!!!
*pause cuz both Jens are in pure, blissful heaven right now.....
*
Ok..
Good Jen: Ok..time to let go of the tall, cute blond guy now....
Evil Jen: NOOOOOO!!! Can't we take him home!?!
Good Jen: I wish we could, but no, he has to go on and make beautiful music with the rest of the boys for us to enjoy.
Evil Jen: NOOOOOO!!! Hes miiiiiiiiiine!! Let's just drag him back to the car and take him home..no one will notice!!
Good Jen: Ok..doooooooown girl..step away from the Backstreet boy.
Evil Jen: Coward! The man had his loooong, lanky, warm, hard, sweet bod pressed up against you and all you do is STAND there?! WTF!!?!?!
Good Jen: *sigh*
So, with that, my advice to all you that ever have the very fortunate experience of getting a hug from your favorite BSB, watch out!!! That evil twin is lurkin' about in your head somewhere and she will try to get you in trouble, or hell, even arrested! So beware! Don't listen! Resist! Resist! Resist the urge to listen to her, cuz by damned, you will want to!
Bianca
Things you shouldn't say (or do) if...
....you run into a BSB at a Bar / Night club:
Kevin - So...besides Chicago, this is what you've been doing, huh? (Makes sad face and tries to hug him)
AJ - Do you realize how many hours I spent crying after they announced you were checking into rehab???
Nick - Do you realize how many hours I spent crying after I read that magazine interview??
Howie - Excuse me, do I know you?
Brian - You? In a bar? What will the people at church say??
...you work in a car dealership as a sales person:
Kevin - This is a really good sporty car to use during your free time, which youll have a lot of.
AJ - ...and it also has a really comfortable backseat. Wanna test it?
Nick - This car has a lot of space so you won't have to worry when your head gets really big.
Howie - Sir, we've been trying to sell your old purple mustang for a few years now....are you sure you don't want that back? Please?
Brian - This is a used car, but very well maintained and it already has a "My wifey rulz" sticker on it.
...you worked as a studio technician on the This Is Us album:
- Laugh hysterically while they're recording "All Of Your Life."
- Cover your ears while Howie is in the booth recording his part in the demo version of Shattered.
- Pass out when AJ starts to sing Undone.
- Suck on a bong while Bigger is playing for review.
- Tell them they should ask a refund from T-Pain's camp after reading the lyrics to She's A Dream,
- Jump up and down while screaming "YES!" at the final cut of Masquerade.
- Give Brian funny looks every time he says "booty" in PDA.
- Look disgusted at Howie's rotten teeth line in PDA.
- Call Leighanne and Leigh to ask how they feel about "Bye Bye Love."
- Ask them to explain what the hell is up with GPS and remote controls in If I Knew Then.
- Pass out at Nick's falsetto in This Is Us.
- After they finish recording Straight Through My Heart you tell them that the song is a good album filler and not single material.
- Send one of the songs to this really nice you girl you've met online in a forum called Live Daily.
Many thanks to our Noisy girl Dianne for gramma and spelling check ;-)
Sam
what's this? ANOTHER Jr. BSB birthday? yes! on Sunday, February 21 our last Jr. BSB Bradley will celebrate his 18th birthday. These kids today they grow up so fast *sniffles, wipes tears* *sings* 18 candles, what a lovely light...sorry can't help it lol. Remember the Jr. BSB graduation is coming up soon, be there when our boys graduate from Hilridge HS, don't miss it! Happy 18th Birthday Bradley!!!
Beth
Oh yes, Grilled BSB!
Bonjour mesdames, messieurs, et mademoiselles!
Welcome to the Backstreet Grill, our specials today are Nick with a side of embarrassment, the Howie with a mortified sauce, Brian with a short attention span, and the chefs personal recommendation, inked AJ.
To complement these dishes, our sommelier recommends Richardson Vineyards beautiful 2001 Whine de Kevin for its aggressive salt tear notes and smoky fan regret.
How would you like your Backstreet prepared? Perhaps something deliciously tender and juicy, lightly cooked?
Or do you crave the subtle flavors of something more firm, with hint of smoke?
By chance, do you tend toward the rich, hearty palate of the superbly grilled?
Beth has a sampler platter available today for your pleasure; please let us know what tickles your palate.
(Welcome to Grilled BSB, all the questions we wish we could ask the Boys!
Special thanks to everyone in the Question of the Week post, and to Dianne, who sent me lots of inspiration, and more than a few great ones!)
Rare
AJ:
*Who paints your nails? And do you do a topcoat, or basecoat, because my nails don't stay that sharp looking that long. Ever think of doing a polish line?
*How many hats do you own?
*Are you really that afraid of Twitter since the porn incident?
Brian:
*Kill the spider, or let it out?
*Who's buying you all those scarves? We need to have a talk with them: it's very Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol.
*Um, chirp chirp--why is there a cricket on your twitter?
Howie:
*Do you sing in the car?
*Would you rather be a fish or a turtle?
*Do you guys really like to be in futuristic space armor, wrestling robes, and sports jerseys for tour? Do you look at the pictures after? We're still scratching our heads on some of those choices. If you'd like to go back to that open shirt look, we're okay with that though.
Nick:
*Have you ever licked a nine-volt battery?
*Where are you most ticklish?
*Are you ever freaked out by the Brian-Leighanne-Baylee cuteness factor?
*Do you have a booty-shake quota per stage show?
Medium-Rare:
*Tell the truthare the toenails painted too?
*If you couldn't be a BSB, would you go to college, and for what?
*AJ contemporary dancewhat would that look like? Updated Dance of the Seven Veils?
*You must have a lot of pent up rage toward the Backstreet Men vs. Backstreet Boys question: if there were no judicial system, what would you do to the next reporter who asks?
*Shirt ripping: why did we stop this?
*Do you wish you got sexy dance moves?
*You have to assassinate one celebritywho is it?
*You guys made a LOT of grammar mistakes on the early albums--do you wish you could correct them now? They make us a little crazy.
*Does AJ ever try to do your make-up for you?
*How much hair gel do you go through in one tour?
*Do you worry the other guys get the cool clothes?
*We all know about the womens pants: now if you had to wear a dress, would it be Versace or Valentino? Good news is, studs are coming back as accent decorations this fall, so maybe you could match it with some of AJ's jewelry collection.
*If fans said they missed Kevin's sexy voiceovers, could we convince you to start whispering in Spanish on tracks?
*How often exactly do you brush your teeth? Ever heard of floss?
*Miss Kevin more because he was so easy to annoy, or because he was the other tall guy? You seem to slouch a lot now.
*Do you have nightmares about the Jonas Brothers outselling you?
*Did you buy Brian's solo album? And are you buying AJ's?
Well-Done
*When you're recording, how often would you estimate that you think what the heck, I'd NEVER use that on a girl!? We're voting all of "PDA" qualifies.
*Speaking of PDA, did you guys have a secret meeting to decide to dislike Nicks PDA, and is that why you got licked onstage? (Because I think he knows.)
*Brian wants to set you up on a blind date: she's a really good cook, but not physically hot. Yes or no?
*Ever go commando? Do you have proof?
*AJ decides you guys need to do stripper-robics to get in shape for the US tour. What song do you choose?
*Playgirl magazine called, and Leighanne says she's cool with it: would you sign up?
*We have to ask: who decided in 1997 that Nick got to be sexual in Everybody? He was underage! And were dying to know--why do you guys say yes?
*Could you maybe stop using "Backstreet's back, alright!" or lines from The Call as a response to everything? You've done many, many songs now, and you have lots of options for quotes. Also, it's a little contagious, and not something we want to catch.
*Do you think you fall off the stage so often because Nick secretly plans it? We're starting to wonder.
*The world's going to end if you don't kiss another BSB: who gets one landed on them?
*Did Kevin leave his you guys are soooo annoying face to you legally, or just in theory?
*Where's your solo album? We did the math, and the Howie love is lacking!
*What's with the plaid shirt? It seems to be sucking up all the Happy Bouncy Hyper Nick that used to overflow frequently.
*Have you started wearing underwear again? These plaid shirts are getting in the way of us being able to tell.
*When you randomly wander New York City, is it some of sort of channeling James Dean thing? Because we will willingly buy you a moody black trench if it will encourage this meandering without angry bodyguards.
*If you're a BSB, why would only a portion of the McDonald's Monopoly money go to charity? Are you running low? Oh, sorry, that wasn't very sensitive--is that why you keep wearing the same shirt?
And if you see Kevin, please pass these on.
*The eyebrows: would you ever consider tweezing them, and do they have names?
*Do YOU remember the story about having to eat pizza in AJs hotel bathroom?
*Do you ever miss your Disneyland days?
*How many times would you guess youve smacked Nick?
*Is Howie going to take over for you as Group Most Classically Fashionable?
*Do you listen to the new albums? Are you as concerned about Shawty as we are?
AJ's Story
AJ: I just can't stop smiling, man. I know I'm supposed to feel some kind of remorse about getting arrested and all that shit, but seriously, I can't. I just can't get this ridiculous grin off my face. *flashes cheesy smile and throws up jazz hands* Hmmm. Not amused, I see. Yeah, that's pretty typical. Dude, doc, but I got engaged! And she's perfect. Almost as perfect as the last three, but way hotter. She's a redhead now. Whats not to love? I mean, the carpet doesnt match the curtains, but f**k it. She still knows how to get down. AND! When she takes naked pics of me, I don't have to worry about her posting that shit all over the internet. If that's not true love, then I dunno what is.
Therapist: *stares blankly at AJ*
AJ: Ok, ok, ok, so I assume you wanna know what happened that night. Well, it's actually a funny story. You see, I got engaged again. And Vegas is like my second home so it was only natural for my bachelor party to be there. Well, the guys wanted to take me for a night out on the town, just us guys. Kinda like it used to be. People are gonna shit when they hear we did something just the five of us. Its been a while. But of course, we're not allowed to have lives outside of BSB. I still have to call up Kev to ask permission for me and my girl to do the dirty dirty, know what I'm sayin? *wiggles brows*
So there we are, just the five of us. The limo drops us off at this local joint. It's an invitation only gentlemans club that my buddy Chris told me about. He got us on the list. In hindsight, I suppose it makes sense now when he said they kept questioning him if thats the place we really wanted to go.
Now I spend a lot of time at these uh, establishments so its pretty comfortable for me. Brian on the other hand. He just sat there twitching the whole ride over. And Leighanne kept calling Howie to check on him. Personally, I think Leighanne was just pissed cause she wasn't invited. But that's just me. It's not like Brian doesn't have a little big of dog in him. I've seen his porn collection. Dumb Blondes Do Nasty Nuns--if that doesn't scream fetish then I dunno what does. *raises hands defensively* To each their own kinky ways.
Therapist: *yawns*
AJ: I'm sorry, am I boring you? 'Cause I can leave. If you just wanna sign this here paper and send me on my way. *pushes paper across desk* No? Hmmmm, ok. Look, heres the deal. Everyone is gonna try to blame Nick. They always do. But you have to believe me, this time it was all Howie's fault. That pussy cant keep his damn mouth shut and take one for the team. Always gotta do what's right. Normally, I would have thought itd be Brian, but I think the idea of him being associated with a titty bar sent his holy ass rollin out the door with us trying to find an all night confessional. It's Vegas, Brian. If a confessional is open after 10pm in Vegas, it ain't the kind of confessional you lookin for. And you can tell him I said that too.
So my friend Chris tells me about this place. Classy ladies, wrestling in Jello. Jello plus boobs?! Hells yeah! So there we are, making our way inside. Brian starts saying a few Hail Marys and Kev and Howie head straight to the bar. Me and Nick have the sober thing going on, well kinda. I mean for the most part. So I was drinking near beer cause I figure if I drink enough of them I might get a slight buzz and Nick was all about this fruity concoction called Sex in the Ass. I'm sorry, but with a name like that I could only imagine what it tasted like. Based on Howie's face after he tried it, that was not an option. I've seen the shit he eats and if he can't handle it then I'm not goin near it. But Nick loved it. He smiled with every sip he took and kept going back for more. Dunno what that says about him, but ya know.
We make our way through the corridor and my friend Shelby Ray flags me down. I know her from another strip club. She must have been moonlighting there cause she was walking around with her top off and just panties. These silky, red lacy things. And the stockings! Oh man, the stockings! Don't even get me started on the stockings. *shifts crotch and coughs* Anyway, she came over to say hi and naturally I went in for hug. They're almost as good as the real things, know what I mean? That's when Brian kinda lost it. He handed her a Jesus card! Something about saving herself from damnation. What the f**k, who does that?! I yelled at him to put that shit away. He just slurred something back and walked over to a couple of well-dressed dudes in the corner. Again, in hindsight, I wonder if Brian would have done that knowing they were gay and not just at a strip joint. *laughs heartily, scratches beard* Oh boy, good times. Good times.
At this point, I noticed Kev and Howie had been awfully quiet. Howie had a shot of Cuervo in one hand and a Corona in the other. He said he was just trying to get the taste of ass out of his mouth. I don't buy it. Kev too! Double fistin! My man. *pumps chests with fist* Found out later, they were getting all the drinks that were supposed to come to me and Nick. F**kin' lushes. *shakes head* So doc, you see the irony here, right? The ones who usually cause the chaos *points to self* and Nick were actually just innocent bystanders. It was definitely all Howie's fault.
Therapist: *gives AJ a thoughtful look and jots a few notes* I see
AJ: It wasn't until I ran into my other friend, Sunny Ray who informed us that the club goes gay after midnight. I about bust a gut from laughing so hard. Kev looked like he was gonna hurl, and Brian fell fromwell, I dunno why he fell. I hadn't seen him take a sip of anything yet but he was acting sloshed, man. *shakes head*
In an attempt to get a glance at even just a few titties, Nick led us towards the dressing room. We are dudes, after all. It seemed like a good idea at the time, ya know? Again, hindsight. So we make our way around the corner and are greeted by a group of dudes! Again, Im laughing so much it hurts. Howie seemed pretty interested and even asked one of the guys how he got his pecs to jiggle like that. *laughs hysterically* Leave it to Howie. Then one of the strippers made some smart ass boyband/NSync comment and Kev just lost it. I've never seen Kev dive at anyone so fast before. There's your first punch being thrown. I'm still laughing to hard to even get involved. Nick's asking about the Jello, Brians tucking prayer cards inside the dudes g-strings and Howie's drinking straight from the Tequila bottle at this point.
Next thing I know, Kev's screaming maniacally and he's being pushed into a vat of Jello in front of the crowd. They went wild, lemme tell ya. I've seen some crazed fans before, but the gays, well, they just really love the dirty stuff. Nick's face lit up at the sight of the Jello pit and the next thing I know he does a running nose dive into the stuff. Can't take that kid anywhere.
Therapist: *laughs* OK, that was kind of funny.
AJ: I KNOW! Now, at some point the fighting dies down and we hear the sirens. F**k, we can't be seen like this. In the mix of the madness we all dash back into the dressing room grabbing spare costumes. Never thought I'd see the day when Brian willingly dressed up as a half naked cowboy. I hope someone got a picture of that action for Leighanne. She'd probably just get even more pissed that she wasnt there to see it for herself. This is where we lost Howie. 'Cause we're all dashing around the back halls of the strip club and hes just gone. Nowhere to be seen. Nick's running, trying not to let any of his drink spill from the bucket. Kev's stopping at every mirror to check his hair, I think Brian was trying to pray, but maybe forgot the words cause he wasnt making an ounce of sense. And I had to stop to say hi to all the ladies I knew. I didn't wanna be rude, ya know?
No wonder we didn't make it out of there. It's still Howie's fault though. He shoulda just kept his damn mouth shut. Maybe then I wouldn't have to explain to my fourth fiancée what the hell I was doing at a male strip club for my bachelor party. And I wouldnt have to explain to my mother that she didnt always know I was gay. I'm just a momma's boy who knows how to woo the ladies. *nods*
That about sums it up, doc. Wanna know more? 'Cause I'm sure I didn't tell you about Peaches--wow,I wanna shake her tree.
Therapist: *interrupts AJ* No no. Please, God no. I think I've got all I need--you can go now.
Millennium
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